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northshoretake2 49M  
1626 posts
6/11/2015 10:12 am

I think this is a pretty complex issue.

Cheaters tend to lie about their intentions and provide justification for their actions. They actually believe they've done nothing wrong, hurt no one and did what anyone else would do given the circumstances--they're delusional.

So even if a cheater was to explain his or her transgressions, virtually none of it would be based on reality.

But here's the real tragedy. People who have been betrayed WANT to believe these lies. It's better than admitting the truth--that they're in a relationship in which they're treated badly. They'd much rather believe it's a one-time slip, their significant other can change and that their partnership is stronger for having survived it.

It's a two-way street. Cheaters need enablers.


Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.


Pleisurezmine 63M
1820 posts
6/11/2015 2:55 pm

Life is very perspective based. I like the fact that there is always more than one way of looking at things. Morality is of course at one edge of this discussion and for want of a term Fulfillment on the other.
I like the questions Boris poses as they stimulate thought rather than chastising the "Cheaters". Even the term Cheaters is designed to caste the individual into a pit of damnation.
If I was a Marketing Guru I might rephrase the term to Opportunist and promote it as Nature at its finest. Sounds like bullshit I know but that's advertising at its best.
As there is limited ground for sexual advancement in my relationship due to many reasons (too many to mention here) I see myself as an Opportunist. (and they don't arise that frequently) I take the chance to express myself and give pleasure to an Individual who shares my wants and desires.
Perhaps the greatest gift this has given me is to be wary of passing judgement on others. I am not in their shoes......enjoy Mike


northshoretake2 49M  
1626 posts
6/11/2015 9:27 pm

    Quoting  :

Hi Boris, I agree that my take was black and white but I believe the rules of monogamy and definition of cheating are similarly clear: If you're married/exclusive, then having sex outside of that relationship is cheating.

As for your specific questions:

1. I'd say cheating is a little of both: nature and nurture. Everyone is taught the difference between right and wrong but not everyone enjoys playing by the rules.
2. Yes, a cheater is delusional if he believes he did nothing wrong. The wife's unilateral choice to end THEIR sex life was wrong but, at the time he cheated, he was unaware of her plans and knew he was being unfaithful.
3. The "reality" I referred to goes back to that black and white (societal) definition of monogamy and cheating. His actions may be motivated by facts but it doesn't change the definition of cheating.
4. How would I have reacted? I might've been disappointed that the communication wasn't better. And unilateral decisions that affect both parties are clearly unacceptable. But there's no need for anger. Perhaps they can move to an open relationship in an amicable manner?
5.I'm not sure if stepping out once is a gateway to more infidelity. I think it depends more on the person, how much they value honesty, social conventions and their primary relationship.

If being selfish is your nature, like AnnaStarr09, there's no need to fight it. But pretending you're something you're not, is definitely delusional and can make you miserable.


Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.


ArkSoutherngent5 69M  
910 posts
6/12/2015 9:37 pm

Darlin, when you go from several times a day, week to twice a year to none..... I miss the affection, the closeness , the touch........


lookingmaybecali 66M
164 posts
6/13/2015 2:47 pm

I have not had sexual intercourse outside my marriage. Before I got married, I cheated on a girlfriend. That being said, I have had a couple of on-line relationships that included video masturbation. Is this cheating? Yes it is. Did I tell my spouse? No I didn't. Would she approve? No she wouldn't. I am not proud of these indiscretions, but I also don't think they were totally wrong. My wife has a much lower sex drive than I do but I love her and don't want to lose her. I still look for someone to have an on-line thing with. I don't know if I would ever go beyond that, hence lookingmaybecali.


MrEman6976 47M
1164 posts
6/13/2015 3:34 pm

I've never cheated, it got close once when I was at uni and a girl was naked in my bed waiting for me when I got back. It was difficult to say no, especially when I'd fancied this girl and she was offering herself..but I was in a relationship so got her dressed and called her a taxi.
I've been cheated on once, that I know of, and it hurt, she'd moved into my place quickly, didn't work and was seeing my neighbour! Knowing how it feels I wouldn't do it to a partner. If I wasn't happy with them I'd break it off.


scfun29680 66M/55F
97 posts
6/13/2015 5:06 pm

Cheating is a complex issue as there is physical cheating as well as emotional cheating. In either case it is never a cut and dry issue. I was the one cheated on by my first boyfriend (i.e."love of my life"). My current love at the beginning of our relationship went all the way up to making a "date" with someone else. In both cases, the only thing I asked for was honesty. The first could not bring himself to be honest and it ended. The second told me and we talked about the issues we were having. No relationship is perfect. Being able to be honest and talk about what was happening made us stronger.


mrmarvel69 57M  
267 posts
6/17/2015 7:12 am

Ok.... so I clicked on the "habitual cheater" choice in the voting here. I love my wife, dearly. Couldn't imagine not being together. However, due to several factors that I won't go into and never do, my wife and I no longer have sex, except on a rare occasion, once every 2-3 times per year (maybe). We have talked about it, we have communicated and we both have an understanding.

Am I cheating? Yes, by most standards, I am. Do I think I am? Not really.. I am physically, but never mentally/emotionally. Are we in an open marriage? Well, not really... because of the fact that she doesn't want to know what/when I am doing, then a prospective lover can't communicate with her to get her permission (and this is an issue for some, but surprisingly (luckily) not all). However, I am honest about my situation in my profile and I never contact anyone who clearly says, "no married men" or something to that effect. In fact, I am generally even polite enough not to comment on their photos or "bother" them in any way.

I am one of those people who has desires and needs to satisfy them. Many times I do so in private, as she doesn't even want to participate and watch that.... but I also on occasion need to scratch that itch with another human being, as well.

So... there's my story.


mrmarvel69 57M  
267 posts
6/17/2015 8:08 am

So... after responding here, I decided that since I never post to my BLOG page and since I wanted to see people's take on the flip side of this subject, I posted a poll on my BLOG page, as well.... please go check it out and respond, I'd like to hear opinions.

Apparently, I can't post a link to my BLOG that works, so click on "View my blog" to the left above my picture to go there. Looking forward to hearing from you!

Thanks!


rm_BigTaurus1 60M
269 posts
6/20/2015 3:57 pm

So,I did not cheat my wife,But my mind is full of fantasies of cheating with other women


Day_Dreamer_14 48M
9 posts
7/2/2015 11:43 pm

id venture to say there are alot of lairs that took this poll just looking at the results for starters


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